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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Cheer up.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE