I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
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You know…for fall…
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
TODAY
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I mean…but I did
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.