me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”