My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: