me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?