Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE