#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
You Might Also Like
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH