The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Me :
All Day At Night
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”