WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair