Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
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This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.