Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”