I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
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Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
5 ways to appear taller
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.