Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.