imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
A ghost story
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*