It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”