Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.