Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
You Might Also Like
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I think my mom just blocked me
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Message from the dog groomers