ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early