Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Wait a minute…
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Hank is one in a melon.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.