sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
me opening up to someone
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.