Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
When you’re here for the treats.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
reminder
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Who says great literature is dead?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.