GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
A dad and his duck
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works