Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it