My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think