joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
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Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.