[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Wait, let me explain..”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Beware of the dog..
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap