Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
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The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.