Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
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‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My blood type is b hungry.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
this is the best day of my life
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.