Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
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Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
put ‘er there pardner!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i鈥檓 parker
interviewer: you鈥檙e hired
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 馃憖
馃槀馃槀馃槀
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I鈥檓 proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Lmao the reply
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let 鈥榚m shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.