What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment