I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.