Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
You Might Also Like
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
it must be school picture day
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat