me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
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Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.