The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
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When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
🌱🌱🌱
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.