I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Smile they said.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.