This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
#milo
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.