Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
They’re stuck in your pants?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
This is I, Robot all over again
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses