Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
You Might Also Like
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I WON A HAM TODAY
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
The internet is full of many things
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Oceanography is all about current events
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag: