Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
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Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet