Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.