8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Holy crap this is wonderful
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Become ungovernable.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.