Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
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With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
OH. COME. ON.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
…..pretty much.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.