It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.