People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*mops up wine with cat*
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.