Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
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Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Simple
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor