“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
is it earth
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I鈥檓 starting to doubt she鈥檚 mine.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can鈥檛 find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he鈥檚 been sitting on my phone*
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It鈥檚 called a chest bump.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 馃槀
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.