First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
You Might Also Like
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor