No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this