son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
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The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
🚲+physics = winner
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.