HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.